What a dud!

I've been waiting ... and waiting ... and waiting for the perfect nipple story to emerge.

This is how the story began. One day I was getting undressed to take a shower. Wait, that is a lie. I no longer have the luxury of taking showers. I must of been exchanging the shirt I had been wearing for three days for a fresh one. Anyway ...

lil' man: "Daddy has hairy armpits."
me: "Yep. Daddy has hairy armpits."
lil' man: "See 'em."
me: "Here they are, buddy."
lil' man: "Touch 'em."
me: I bent down and let him touch them.
lil' man: "Kiss 'em."
me: "You don't want to kiss my stinky armpits."
lil' man: "No." He thinks about what to talk about next. "That?"
me: "That is my nipple. This is my right nipple. This is my left nipple."
lil' man: "See 'em"
me: "Yep. You're seeing them."
lil' man: "Touch 'em."
me: "Sure buddy, you can touch them." I bent down so he could touch my nipples.
lil' man: "Kiss 'em."
me: "Nah buddy, you can't kiss my nipples. That's just weird."

For three weeks, nipples were the topic of conversation during snack time with Bob Shetterly. The lil' man asked Bob Shetterly all about nipples. To my disappointment, the lil' man only seemed interested in talking about nipples with me and Bob Shetterly. For three weeks, I've been patiently waiting for a kick-ass nipple story. I thought about making one up, but that just didn't seem to go with the blogs theme of honesty.

This is the story I imagined.

The lil' man and I are checking out at Wholefoods. An incredibly hot woman is working the till. I can only imagine that she's working the till to put her hot self through Brown. She is voluptuous!

hot cashier: "He is SO adorable. Look at those big blue eyes."
lil' man: The lil' man smiles and unexpectedly asks, "Have nipples?"
hot cashier: Unfazed. "Why yes, I have nipples." She looks at me.  "He's smart. How old is he?"
me: "Just turned two."
lil' man: Get's frustrated that the adults are conversing. "See 'em."
me: My inner self, so very badly, wants to give the lil' man a high five.
hot cashier: Without hesitation. She lifts her shirt and shows her glorious nipples.
lil' man: "Kiss 'em."
hot cashier: Silence. Apparently she too thinks that would be weird.

Unfortunately, this is the dud of a story I'm forced to share.

Last night we went to the farmers' market in our park. It's always an over stimulating blast for the lil' man. Every week they set up a stage for live music. Now, I know what you're thinking. Live music at a farmers' market, must be bluegrass. Nope, not at our farmers' market. It's always some form of hip-hop and it's AMAZING.

Also, last night the Children's Museum had a nice little learning/play area setup. An area roped off with hunter orange flagger's tape that contained lots and lots of foam building blocks and noodle things. All the big kids were building their masterpieces. The lil' man wanted to join in. I was actually enjoying a conversation with an adult, so mommy followed him in.

A few minutes passed. I looked over and saw that the lil' man was done. Done tackling all the kids masterpieces and done for the day. I headed over, but didn't get there in time. He was running threw the flagger's tape fence like he was finishing a marathon. It stretched and stretched and finally gave away. But he didn't stop. My lil' man turned into Forrest Gump. He just kept running. I asked the wife to get the stroller and the lil' man and I ran through the park towards "daddy's house."

We were nearly through the park, suddenly he stopped in front of a bench. A jacked Asian dude was sitting there, shirtless, covered in tattoos, drinking a 40 out of a brown paper sack. He and the lil' man just stared at each other. Finally the lil' man broke the silence and uttered, "Nipples." The jacked Asian dude continued to stare at him, the stare got a little serious and kinda weird. Oh shit! Is daddy gonna get his ass kicked over the word nipples? Finally, the jacked Asian dude gave the lil' man a reassuring smile. Which set the lil' man off "runnin'" again.

I thought to myself, this is what I get for my patience? I wanted a hot cashier! Instead, I got a jacked Asian dude sitting on a park bench drinking a 40 out of a brown paper sack? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait for a kick-ass vagina story. Vagina, by the way, was taught to him by his grandmother, not me. She didn't think va-jay-jay was sufficient.

Oh vagina story, when WILL you emerge ...