Momentary lapse of insecurity.

After the lil' man went to bed last night, the wifey and I hit the patio for a much needed beer and conversation. I took my chair and said, "I don't think I'm doing a good job. I just don't think I'm cut out for being a stay-at-home dad. I just can't do this." She was caught off guard. Like most people that know me, she thinks of me as being a very secure, proactive, confident person. I mean, I'm the guy that didn't know anything but about electricity, we bought an 1850's farmhouse that needed to be rewired, we didn't have any money to pay an electrician to do a shitty job, so I did it myself without thinking twice. Sure, I had my fair share of zaps, but I'd venture to guess that Thomas Edison had his share back in the day.

So, what is the source of this sudden feeling of insecurity? Is it the exhaustion? The confounding and tireless challenge of raising a lil' wild man? The relentless worry of doing something wrong? The old saying, "mommy knows best" ringing in my ear as I interact with stay-at-home moms and their children? Do THEY know something I don't? THEY seem so put together and natural. Are THEY? Is it just the difficulty of this thankless job? What is it!!!?

For the first time in my life, I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. I feel like I'm getting my ass kicked. And I don't like it.

The stun wore off and the wifey said exactly what I needed to hear. "You're doing a great job. You're a great daddy. You're doing a better job than 99% of ALL parents. I know I couldn't do it and I don't know how you do it. You know what he needs, when he needs it. You fill up everyday in it's entirety with things to do. Thank you for being a stay-at-home daddy to our lil' man. I'm sorry I don't communicate this more often, but I'm just not used to you needing affirmation."

Thanks wifey!!! I'm feeling like myself again. In fact, this afternoon I'm going to take apart the Tiguan, just to put it back together.