The wifey just spent 82 hours in NYC. Which means that the lil' man and I haven't had any time apart in 265 hours. Yes. I'm a wee bit exhausted. Yes. The lil' man and I probably have a little extra pent up frustration towards each another. But I must admit, it has been quite lovely. And to my knowledge, I really only made one mistake. As many things do, it happened during a diaper change.
Ya know! You can have some pretty bizarre conversations with a two year old—while your wiping shit out of their arse. This particular conversation went something like this:
lil' man: "Daddy. Do the 1. 2. 3.!"
me: "Sure thing buddy. 3. 2. 1. Pants off!" I whip the pants right off him.
lil' man: Screams with delight. "Daddy. Do the socks off, too."
me: "Sorry buddy, it's cold out. You've gotta leave your socks on. I'll take 'em off when we change into jammies." I pull his diaper off and investigate the poop.
lil' man: "It's a little one?"
me: "Nah buddy. It's not little and it's not that big either. I'd say it's medium size."
lil' man: "I wanna see it!" I hold the diaper out so he can check out his poop. After a few moments he seems satisfied and says, "It's just a little one."
me: I think to myself, GOD! Why are you so fucking stubborn? It's just a little one. Blah. Blah. Blah. Why do you always have to be right? Why the fuck does it always have to be your way? I compose myself and say, "Well. That may be. But, it's a nice solid guy."
lil' man: "Yeah! Nice and solid."
me: I start to wipe off his, ya know, lower area. I notice he's looking a little tender and say, "Hold on buddy. Before I put on a new diaper—I need to rub a little vaseline on your taint. It's looking a little sore." Holy fuck! Did I just say the word taint? Awe man, I don't want to have to explain the word, taint! Shit. Shit. Shit. How am I going to explain what a taint is? I pause. The lil' man is uncharacteristically silent. He doesn't repeat the word. He doesn't ask, "What's taint mean, daddy?" Few! Dodged one! I rub on the vaseline and put on a new diaper. He's still silent. I look down at his face. The second our eyes meet—the lil' man says/asks, "Mommy pees outa her taint?"
Oh good lord! What have I done? This poor boy is going to be tainted for life.
