goo goo g'joob

As of three nights ago, I became Mr. Walrus in our house. This is how it happened.

Mommy struggles to get the lil' man to brush his teeth. He wants to do it himself, which doesn't cut it for mommy. He takes the toothbrush full of apple flavored tooth paste with an emphatic "MINE!" Sucks all the paste off, which screams "normal" to me. God! As a kid, I remember sucking a fresh tube of AquaFresh dry. I mean, I made that AquaFresh my bitch. It was delicious.

After he rids the brush of yummy paste, he brushes everything but his teeth. The couch. The stairs. His armpits. His nipples. Just as he tries to brush his penis, a frustrated mommy grabs the brush, "NO!" Understandable, she just worked a long day. Doesn't she deserve an easy go at something as simple as brushing teeth?

So three nights ago she began to employ Mr. Walrus. And it was brilliant! She is quite creative. After spending 10 delightful hours with the lil' man, making supper, cleaning the kitchen, etc.—I tend to hit the patio for some adult "juice" and quiet time. Three nights ago, I was doing just this when my phone rang. Who the hell is calling me at the ripe hour of 7:30? It was mommy. What the fuck? What happened? More plumbing? I pressed answer and heard "Hello. Mr. Walrus?" I paused, okay, I can roll with this. "This is Mr. Walrus." "Hi Mr. Walrus. The lil' man doesn't want to brush his teeth tonight. Can you explain the importance of brushing your teeth?" Pause. I thought to myself, I don't even like to brush my own fucking teeth ... All I could utter was "goo goo g'joob." Seemed to make sense to the lil' man. He brushed his teeth and uttered "goo goo g'joob" or something like it when he finished.

Then, the third night rolled around ... Mommy was trying to take the lil' man upstairs for tubby time. He didn't want to go. She prematurely employed Mr. Walrus.

Mommy: "But, don't you want to call Mr. Walrus after tubby time?"
Daddy: "It's Friday. I'm spent.  Mr. Walrus isn't fucking home tonight."
Mommy: "Well, how do I get him to brush his teeth?"
Daddy: "How the hell do I get him to do anything? Figure it out."

Twenty minutes later my phone rang. I didn't pick it up. Mommy must of figured something out, because I didn't hear any screams. I knew she would. She's smarter than me and rocks as a mom.