So. You're gonna be a dad.

Dude! Congratulations! And welcome to the best, just for men's club in the universe. But this is 2014, you're not just gonna be a dad. You're gonna be an active dad, right? Perhaps, even a SAHD. Do it! I promise you that it will be the most unique experience of your life.

One thing that I really dislike is receiving unsolicited parenting advice. So here's some for you. Nah. I don't have any advice for you on how to parent your lil' one. You'll discover that on your own, my friend. But I will offer up some tricks that I've learned as a dad. They just might make your role as active dad ah...err... more...less...

1. The first thing you've gotta do is go shopping. Dude, you need to update that wardrobe of yours. Don't stress! This is going to be simple. What we're looking for is quite common, so it doesn't matter where ya go shopping. Just choose a store that makes you feel comfortable. Are you there yet? Good. Now find the white undershirts. Here's the tricky part, crew or v neck? After you've made your decision on neck preference, grab 8 shirts. No, 12 shirts. Wait! You grabbed medium? Is that what you normally wear? Well, put that shit back and grab some larges. Why? You're gonna spend the next year being peed on, pooped on, and spit up on. You're gonna get caked with rice cereal and smothered in puréed vegetables. Those shirts are going to be frequently washed and bleached at extremely high temps. They're gonna shrink and you need to be comfortable. Sweet! We're done here.

What? You're having a winter babe? No problem! Open up your sweater drawer. Remove all your wool sweaters. Huh? You only wear cotton because wool itches your neck? Sorry dude. That lil' one of yours is going to eat you alive. Let's forget about Mr. Cotton and move along. Ok, so you've taken out all of your wool sweaters. Now, put your two least favorite back in the drawer. Place all of the others in storage. You've got two dreadful sweaters, just make sure you switch 'em up every couple of days. It's also good to throw 'em in the dryer once in awhile for a lil' fo-freshening. And for the love on God. Take 'em to the dry cleaners every couple of months. You might not realize, or even care, but dude... you reek of breast milk gone bad. Seriously, get the shit dry cleaned.

2. Grow a beard! Nothing screams dad, like a nice full beard. And I'll tell ya. There is no better feeling than having your very own lil' one rub their hands through your very own beard while you're reading them bedtime stories.

3. Your car radio has been commandeered by your lil' one. To avoid unnecessary frustration, you stop on, and listen to, every bloody Katy Perry song. Saturday night is movie night. All you want to do is watch Jason Bourne beat the shit out of some bad guys. But instead, you watch Finding Nemo for the forty third Saturday in a row. You haven't had a man date in twenty three weeks. And there's always a box of Pinot Grigio in your fridge. Let's be honest, you're feeling sorta strange. Been there, bro. It's what I like to call "low T." And it's why I always have a bottle of single malt in the house. Well that, and it's delicious. Time to go shopping again! Go get yourself a nice bottle of scotch. And yes! It must be scotch, it's simply the manliest of drinks. After the lil' one has gone off to bed, drink some scotch. Now for fucks sake, don't go all Roger Sterling on that shit. Feeling the "T" rise? Not yet? Okay. Take a glass of scotch to your new favorite "alone" place, most likely the basement. Turn on Swordfish Trumbone. Dust off the dart board and play some cricket. "T" on the rise? I bet it is! If not, seek medical attention.

4.  If you're gonna be an active dad, you're gonna experience some of the most incredible screeching known to mankind. Unless you're a pig farmer, used to hearing those horrific piggy squeals as they're loaded onto the butcher bound truck. You'll have to learn how to minimize the screeching.

The lil' one just woke up from a four hour nap and has the hunger screech going on. You immediately hop up. Run to the kitchen and crank on the hot water. Run and grab the lil' one. Run back to the kitchen and fill a bowl up with hot water. Grab a bottle out of the fridge and put it in the hot water. 10 minutes pass and you can't take anymore screeching, so you grab the bottle and stick it in the lil' one's mouth. But the lil' one pushes this too cold swill away and the screech becomes worse. Since the water in the bowl is now luke warm, you refill it with hot water and put the bottle back in. 10 more minutes pass and now you're crying too. You test the milk temp on your wrist. Ah... Just right.

Dude. Breast milk can sit at room temp for a solid four hours. And guess what! It only takes a few minutes to warm up milk that is already at room temp. Boom!!! You just saved yourself approximately 16 extremely long minutes of screeching. Plan ahead, my friend.

All right. Last one for today...

5. You've spent the past fifty eight minutes rocking, reading, singing, swaying, and whatever else it is you do to get the lil' one to sleep. You successfully place the lil' one in the crib. Few! You start to count to 70 in your head. You get to 66 and the lil' one makes a faintest of sounds. Shit! You start your count over. Yes! You hit 70 and carefully head for the door. Now, you've done this hundreds of times and you've learned that if you close the door quickly, those squeaky hinges don't make as much noise. So you whip the door shut, but you're exhausted and your reflexes are no longer cat like. CRASH! WHAAAAA!

Your back wrenching hard work was for naught. Suck it up! It's nobody's fault but yours. Throw the lil' one in a car seat and head to the hardware store. I know you're frugal, but Jesus! Spend the three bucks on that bottle of WD-40. Go home and immediately spray every god damn hinge in your house. There shall be no squeaky hinge on your watch, active dad.